No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
