I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
