I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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