I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
