I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize