I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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