sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
