i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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