Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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