drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
