so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
