My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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