I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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