I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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