watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
