this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
