if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
