the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
