i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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