omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
