I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
