I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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