if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
