I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
