I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
