my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
