My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
