I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
