i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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