Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
