if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize