dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize