truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Found the puke drawer
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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