so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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