You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
3 2 1 whiskey
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
