Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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