matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
