I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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