Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
