I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
