I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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