I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Quick, to the slutcave!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
