SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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