I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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