I wish I could teleport
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
