I faked an abortion last night.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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