hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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