Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
