Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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