I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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