She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
