mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
