my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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