Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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