just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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