I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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