Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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