Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
