The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize