Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
