I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I will pee on everything he values.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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