I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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