So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
