Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
