I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize