Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
