Your mouth is God's brothel.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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