Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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