so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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